AI-evoked Catharsis

Some people are so generous that they hope to be blissful even for a little while. While some of us have the tendency to be more extravagant and want to be blissful most if not all the time.

But life is unfair and we have to accept that reality.Despite wanting to be happy all the time, we know that we can't be for that is impossible. I want to believe that wanting to be happy is not at all bad, however I sometimes feel that there is a major tendency to be selfish because of that desire to be happy always.

Life will throw at us stones, lemons, what have you but we have to gladly accept that these are all part of a scheme that sometimes we do not have control over.

I am breaking in tears and as usual in moments of catharsis, it's an effective avenue to write the feelings that evoke the catharsis. I just came from another marathon that left me speechless, sad, in awe, and even depressed. It's been a long time ago since I learned that I am not just simple touched or moved by shows or movies that are haunting or sad, they scar me--and they impress upon me memories and evoke all sorts of emotions that are present in my very wide emotional spectrum.

These tears are proof of a love story albeit poorly written at some points, but left me a major impression of what selfless love is. Human beings are not perfect thus sometimes incapable of that sort of love. Jesus is the son of God and he is both human and divine and in this other story is Night, and he wasn't human and although he was programmed to love, he was one of the perfect examples and manifestations of love in the story. The humans in the story were also equally selfless in their pursuit of love and happiness.

Some parts were cliches already and yet I learned a lot in my two-day marathon of about 14 hours worth of a show that when you genuinely love a person, you'll do everything, even help your competition for that love just to make that person truly happy. It's really about sacrifice. If you love a person so much and so true, you know when to keep going but at the same time you would know when to stop and surrender. When a person's truly important to you, every waking hour and every remaining moment of your life is not wasted when you give it and offer or even spend it with that person whom you love. When you truly care about the other person's welfare, you know when to be strong for that other person even when you're truly breaking into pieces inside. Loving is accepting but loving is also knowing. Love is generous and it is sometimes too giving.

Cura personalis,
Magis.

So many wonderful things about love and yet they're easier to see in the movies and in tv programs. They seem less complex when they're woven into a script or a plot. Love makes us believe and yet love can make us frightful but it is not love I guess wholly but the memories of fear and pain we sometimes associate.

But we cannot blame ourselves always because of our shortcomings and failures. Anyway, we're only human--unlike Wan Nai Te

Restraint, as Poon would put it

If there is one person that should understand you more than anyone else, that should be yourself. It is a great challenge if others know you more than you know yourself because that makes it a blindspot. I'd like to think that although I have poor qualities, I understand myself and that I know why I act this or that way. 

I just hope that whatever I'm feeling right at this moment, it's what I think it is--and that I'll be able to address it not as a weak individual but a strong, willful, disciplined person.

And as Richard Poon, my favorite Pinoy singer had put it, "restraint is key." And I really do believe that it is so.

Let yourself be.

Dear blogspot or blogger or blog-whatever,

I really want to write on my journal, write a new song, play the guitar, as well as paint. My hands, heart, and head have all been itching to do those things as of recently. I have so many feelings lately and none of them I have processed. Time has been against me and when it isn't, I don't know what is. I have been feeling up and then down and up again. A lot of feelings. A lot of unprocessed feelings. I want to be busy and yet when I'm busy I don't want to anymore. My heart's as if being gripped so tight it will burst into so many pieces.

I have hurt someone so much recently and I know that I will continue to be un-free if I keep on protecting that someone. I know that the pain was really meant for both of us. It was meant to be happy but it was the experience of that pain that I hold on to the hope that I will eventually be at peace. I expected the pain and I want to welcome it but sometimes it haunts me and silently saws my being.

I don't understand myself anymore sometimes. I feel that I need to fast forward my life into maybe five years from now so I don't have to continue living as this immature person. I want to skip this time of my life but of course that would have major repercussions. There are major contrasts to my being. Sometimes I want to attribute it to being young or perhaps trying to be mature when I really didn't have to way back in high school. I chose responsibility and I chose to fight for my principles. Now looking back I don't regret them because my personality has been sharpened by my experiences as a young leader. But then again, the contrasts. I want to be sometimes young and sometimes my mature-r self won't allow it. I want to be free but it sometimes entails immaturity. I don't know. I am not sure.

All these aren't even making sense but I need to write this down. I am no longer sure. God never leaves me alone but physically sometimes I feel alone and I see that it may be nice to have someone who will be there and be present. But knowing myself, if I allow that to happen again, my independence and love for freedom will complain against restraint. I just hope that I can be strong despite being alone. I am not lonely, just in solitude maybe. Solitude is my surname--literally..in translation.

I just pray that I have done the right thing. That I chose because I was no longer happy. My happiness (as a youth) I think is really proportionate to the freedom that I am experiencing. I am not entirely sure but I guess so. Loving is so painful and even if I try to make Fr. Arrupe's mantra apply in my previous romantic engagement, I just couldn't. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be or to happen or to blossom. I want to be sure but everything is crazy right now.

How I wish my early twenties will be very significant and peaceful and that I will be happy despite being one. I pray that I appreciate the silence in table for two even when I'm alone. I pray that when love comes knocking again it'll be more than 3 years from now. And that I'll be able to bear all the emotions while I'm alone. I hope that I remain to not mind it all.

Let freedom be.
Let peace be.
Let happiness be.
Let love be.

Let me love myself right now. I know its selfish but maybe it's about time that I give myself and my being to myself and my being. Maybe it's the only way I can be happy again and be much at peace.

Lord it may be hard to do but I hope that I will be able to appreciate fighting for myself and for my own survival in all the aspects. Let me remain strong in the happiness and stronger in the sadder times. Let me appreciate what I have and what will be. I want to be strong-willed. I want to man up for myself. I want to not regret my choices. I want to just move on and be.