My Sumilao Night Sky

My Sumilao Night Sky
Or wherever I may be, you never fail to seduce me, Ms. Luna

Thursday, September 26, 2013

You are my Muse

You make me draw and paint and color again
You make me write songs and sing again
You make me play the guitar
With choruses and refrains
With intro and outro
And poems on the tip of my pens
You make me dance to
Slow songs
Love songs
Dance songs
You make my heart beat so fast
Like 10,000 drummers drumming
That wouldn't last
Double that number
Are the butterflies no longer in their slumber
They flap their wings
And twist my insides
There is a smile on my face
I can never really hide
You're face is always beaming on my mind
You're that little treasure
But an even greater find
I close my eyes to sleep
And you're always there
When we're together we're insomniacs
When we're apart, we still are
If you're not my muse
I don't know what you are
Your love I won't refuse
Your passion I'll hold
Everything makes sense
And everything's so nice
Let's not dwell on the past
And not be tied to the worries of the future
You and me
Let us be
Each other's gift
Each other's present

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Falling Out of Love

As the last quarter of 2013 is fast approaching, I cannot help but think and reflect deeply on this swirl of emotions I have been having since the end of the second quarter of 2013.

I recently ended a relationship with someone. Albeit not formal (like calling each other boyfriend-girlfriend), we did have an understanding and it took a lot of courage to break it to him that I wanted out. I have felt like ending it around the end of 2012 last year but then I had no courage to do it. Moreover, I was trying to rationalize and think that individuals in relationships do experience that kind of feeling every now and then--wanting out.

In retrospect, I guess that was a red flag in my past relationship. Apart from wanting out, I was actually staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons. First, I valued his family more. I mean, it was like I was so in love with his family I was blinded from the real issues--our issues. And second, I was staying in the relationship out of fear that he might hurt himself since he mentioned that he wouldn't love anyone else--that I'll be the last.

There are three men in my life who told me that and he was the second person who said to me that I was the last girl he'll love. Another person (the third person) told me earlier today that I'll be the only person he'll be loving for the rest of his life. But that's a whole different story.

If your partner tells you that, it puts some kind of unspoken and unwritten pressure on you. I knew him and I knew him well and when he said that he'll probably lose his mind if I leave him, I knew he was freaking serious!

Around June, our rocky ground was shaken further. I was always unhappy and I felt as if sustaining the relationship was some kind of chore. I read somewhere that when love or a relationship feels like a chore already, then that is a red flag that shouldn't be taken for granted.

He said some things that have hurt me indirectly and I have done things that did hurt him. For example, if I'm on field work, he'll usually text or call and when I am unable to respond immediately, he'll say words like "You don't have time for me" and other things like that. Part of me was tired of it all, especially because I had new tasks and new areas assigned to me. I knew deep down how I wanted to be treated and although he is very sweet and very kind, I wasn't getting it and what he expects from me, he couldn't get either.


I did not feel peace.
I did not feel relaxed in the relationship.
It was stressing me out and sometimes I no longer reply or return his calls. It felt like I was in a pressure cooker without him pressuring me directly. Oftentimes, in these kinds of moments, I attribute my reaction and my behavior to my attitude. I am carefree and I am really difficult to tie down. I mean there are a lot of girls who are like that but I am Ne-yo's Miss Independent. I know it's sweet to be taken cared of and to be looked after, but I'm not that kind of girl.

I am selfish and I am to blame for entering in the relationship. But I know that when I asked for freedom last June, I felt peace and oneness with myself.

We did talk several times and he took care of me when I was in the hospital last August. But everything about him felt foreign. He seemed to be someone myself wouldn't and couldn't recognize anymore. I really knew he was hurting especially during the times when we tried to talk after the break-up. The first time was a moment for apologies and the second was a time to try out second chances.

I was unfair.

I knew I was a big bitch when I broke up with him because I gave reasons that were just part of my entire issue. I told him I need time to be with myself and that I wanted less pressure from him given my new areas of assignment. He had set me free. The first time we met and talked again, I told him what I truly felt: peace. I was at peace no longer trying to make someone happy while compromising my own happiness. The second time we talked was a more painful blow. I knew what he wanted even though he did not tell me: he wanted to be back together. But I knew deep down my innermost core that I am happy being with myself for a while, searching for what I truly want.

And so I prepared a handwritten letter.

This time I was more honest, more blunt. I told him in the letter what I couldn't say to him during the break-up: I fell out of love. And it was the result of all reasons and feelings added together. I told him I could no longer promise him anything because I thought of us better off as friends just as how we started.

He repeatedly reassured me that he wasn't expecting anything more from me but that he was hopeful. He said that if there would be a next time, a second chance, he would already know how to handle me, and handle the relationship. I said that nobody knows what the future entails so I couldn't be so certain either.

I knew he was in pain and I was too. I remember thinking about how I wouldn't want to be the cause of any another person's misery. But damage has been done. And I am certain that if I give us another chance, I would just break him--break both of us further. It'll be more unfair for both of us if I decide to make up with him.

So now, almost four months after, here I am writing this blog thinking about what I just read recently: usually a person knows when someone is the one. I have been reflecting about all my emotions and feelings toward my recent ex and if what were the signs that he wasn't the one. Similarly, I was thinking about all other people I know who felt someone was the one but apparently that other person did not turn out to be it.

I have always claimed myself to be a commitment-phobe, but then I also feel that if someone is really worth committing to, or really worth risking everything with, then maybe there'll be no red flag flashing in your insides but perhaps a light bulb illuminating everything and making things seem to make much more sense.

I have been hurt and have hurt others a lot of times and I sometimes feel I am already unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. But I too, am hopeful. I have been continually wishing for the next man to be understanding of my freedom needs and my stubbornness. Somebody who would help me believe the truth in love not being a chore that one works hard for. I hope that my next relationship wouldn't be compromised by the fears I have acquired because of my recent relationship failure. I want to be able to love freely, love completely, and love like crazy.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

AI-evoked Catharsis

Some people are so generous that they hope to be blissful even for a little while. While some of us have the tendency to be more extravagant and want to be blissful most if not all the time.

But life is unfair and we have to accept that reality.Despite wanting to be happy all the time, we know that we can't be for that is impossible. I want to believe that wanting to be happy is not at all bad, however I sometimes feel that there is a major tendency to be selfish because of that desire to be happy always.

Life will throw at us stones, lemons, what have you but we have to gladly accept that these are all part of a scheme that sometimes we do not have control over.

I am breaking in tears and as usual in moments of catharsis, it's an effective avenue to write the feelings that evoke the catharsis. I just came from another marathon that left me speechless, sad, in awe, and even depressed. It's been a long time ago since I learned that I am not just simple touched or moved by shows or movies that are haunting or sad, they scar me--and they impress upon me memories and evoke all sorts of emotions that are present in my very wide emotional spectrum.

These tears are proof of a love story albeit poorly written at some points, but left me a major impression of what selfless love is. Human beings are not perfect thus sometimes incapable of that sort of love. Jesus is the son of God and he is both human and divine and in this other story is Night, and he wasn't human and although he was programmed to love, he was one of the perfect examples and manifestations of love in the story. The humans in the story were also equally selfless in their pursuit of love and happiness.

Some parts were cliches already and yet I learned a lot in my two-day marathon of about 14 hours worth of a show that when you genuinely love a person, you'll do everything, even help your competition for that love just to make that person truly happy. It's really about sacrifice. If you love a person so much and so true, you know when to keep going but at the same time you would know when to stop and surrender. When a person's truly important to you, every waking hour and every remaining moment of your life is not wasted when you give it and offer or even spend it with that person whom you love. When you truly care about the other person's welfare, you know when to be strong for that other person even when you're truly breaking into pieces inside. Loving is accepting but loving is also knowing. Love is generous and it is sometimes too giving.

Cura personalis,

So many wonderful things about love and yet they're easier to see in the movies and in tv programs. They seem less complex when they're woven into a script or a plot. Love makes us believe and yet love can make us frightful but it is not love I guess wholly but the memories of fear and pain we sometimes associate.

But we cannot blame ourselves always because of our shortcomings and failures. Anyway, we're only human--unlike Wan Nai Te

Monday, June 24, 2013

Restraint, as Poon would put it

If there is one person that should understand you more than anyone else, that should be yourself. It is a great challenge if others know you more than you know yourself because that makes it a blindspot. I'd like to think that although I have poor qualities, I understand myself and that I know why I act this or that way. 

I just hope that whatever I'm feeling right at this moment, it's what I think it is--and that I'll be able to address it not as a weak individual but a strong, willful, disciplined person.

And as Richard Poon, my favorite Pinoy singer had put it, "restraint is key." And I really do believe that it is so.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Let yourself be.

Dear blogspot or blogger or blog-whatever,

I really want to write on my journal, write a new song, play the guitar, as well as paint. My hands, heart, and head have all been itching to do those things as of recently. I have so many feelings lately and none of them I have processed. Time has been against me and when it isn't, I don't know what is. I have been feeling up and then down and up again. A lot of feelings. A lot of unprocessed feelings. I want to be busy and yet when I'm busy I don't want to anymore. My heart's as if being gripped so tight it will burst into so many pieces.

I have hurt someone so much recently and I know that I will continue to be un-free if I keep on protecting that someone. I know that the pain was really meant for both of us. It was meant to be happy but it was the experience of that pain that I hold on to the hope that I will eventually be at peace. I expected the pain and I want to welcome it but sometimes it haunts me and silently saws my being.

I don't understand myself anymore sometimes. I feel that I need to fast forward my life into maybe five years from now so I don't have to continue living as this immature person. I want to skip this time of my life but of course that would have major repercussions. There are major contrasts to my being. Sometimes I want to attribute it to being young or perhaps trying to be mature when I really didn't have to way back in high school. I chose responsibility and I chose to fight for my principles. Now looking back I don't regret them because my personality has been sharpened by my experiences as a young leader. But then again, the contrasts. I want to be sometimes young and sometimes my mature-r self won't allow it. I want to be free but it sometimes entails immaturity. I don't know. I am not sure.

All these aren't even making sense but I need to write this down. I am no longer sure. God never leaves me alone but physically sometimes I feel alone and I see that it may be nice to have someone who will be there and be present. But knowing myself, if I allow that to happen again, my independence and love for freedom will complain against restraint. I just hope that I can be strong despite being alone. I am not lonely, just in solitude maybe. Solitude is my translation.

I just pray that I have done the right thing. That I chose because I was no longer happy. My happiness (as a youth) I think is really proportionate to the freedom that I am experiencing. I am not entirely sure but I guess so. Loving is so painful and even if I try to make Fr. Arrupe's mantra apply in my previous romantic engagement, I just couldn't. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be or to happen or to blossom. I want to be sure but everything is crazy right now.

How I wish my early twenties will be very significant and peaceful and that I will be happy despite being one. I pray that I appreciate the silence in table for two even when I'm alone. I pray that when love comes knocking again it'll be more than 3 years from now. And that I'll be able to bear all the emotions while I'm alone. I hope that I remain to not mind it all.

Let freedom be.
Let peace be.
Let happiness be.
Let love be.

Let me love myself right now. I know its selfish but maybe it's about time that I give myself and my being to myself and my being. Maybe it's the only way I can be happy again and be much at peace.

Lord it may be hard to do but I hope that I will be able to appreciate fighting for myself and for my own survival in all the aspects. Let me remain strong in the happiness and stronger in the sadder times. Let me appreciate what I have and what will be. I want to be strong-willed. I want to man up for myself. I want to not regret my choices. I want to just move on and be.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Free Once More

Today I finished the song I was writing three days ago. The content of the song came to me when I saw through an online post that a friend of mine who lost her boyfriend last August due to cancer is still grieving and still misses him big time. Also on that same night somebody texted me that a friend of ours was in the ICU because of surgical complications. The next day, he passed away.

The song is really about people who lost someone important in their lives and are imprisoned by the grief that sometimes causes happy things like singing or dancing to be stripped off their joyful quality because sadness burns people in grief from the inside. It is for people whose hearts seem to have passed too along with the deceased loved ones.

But eventually and in time, all people who are grieving will take flight and be free once more and they will be able to hope again and when all the pain goes away.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thank You Daren and Daniel (D&D Custom Guitars)

It's my D&D Custom Guitar. She's sleek and makes great music. Her name's Effie (Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games film) because "that is mahogany!" Haha. Actually the guitar body is made, according to my research, from mahogany and spruce while the fretboard is rosewood.

These kinds of guitars are perfect for girls and women (or men too) who like me prefer slimmer, lighter acoustic guitars (with steel strings) that have smaller frets.

I sought the help from my friend and along with his friend they were able to get Effie for me and my life has been changed already. Haha.

Thank you friend! and to your friend as well! Woohoo :))

Thank you Daren and Daniel!

Feel better by making good music or listening to them.