My Sumilao Night Sky

My Sumilao Night Sky
Or wherever I may be, you never fail to seduce me, Ms. Luna

Thursday, September 26, 2013

You are my Muse

You make me draw and paint and color again
You make me write songs and sing again
You make me play the guitar
With choruses and refrains
With intro and outro
And poems on the tip of my pens
You make me dance to
Slow songs
Love songs
Dance songs
You make my heart beat so fast
Like 10,000 drummers drumming
That wouldn't last
Double that number
Are the butterflies no longer in their slumber
They flap their wings
And twist my insides
There is a smile on my face
I can never really hide
You're face is always beaming on my mind
You're that little treasure
But an even greater find
I close my eyes to sleep
And you're always there
When we're together we're insomniacs
When we're apart, we still are
If you're not my muse
I don't know what you are
Your love I won't refuse
Your passion I'll hold
Everything makes sense
And everything's so nice
Let's not dwell on the past
And not be tied to the worries of the future
You and me
Let us be
Each other's gift
Each other's present

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Falling Out of Love

As the last quarter of 2013 is fast approaching, I cannot help but think and reflect deeply on this swirl of emotions I have been having since the end of the second quarter of 2013.

I recently ended a relationship with someone. Albeit not formal (like calling each other boyfriend-girlfriend), we did have an understanding and it took a lot of courage to break it to him that I wanted out. I have felt like ending it around the end of 2012 last year but then I had no courage to do it. Moreover, I was trying to rationalize and think that individuals in relationships do experience that kind of feeling every now and then--wanting out.

In retrospect, I guess that was a red flag in my past relationship. Apart from wanting out, I was actually staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons. First, I valued his family more. I mean, it was like I was so in love with his family I was blinded from the real issues--our issues. And second, I was staying in the relationship out of fear that he might hurt himself since he mentioned that he wouldn't love anyone else--that I'll be the last.

There are three men in my life who told me that and he was the second person who said to me that I was the last girl he'll love. Another person (the third person) told me earlier today that I'll be the only person he'll be loving for the rest of his life. But that's a whole different story.

If your partner tells you that, it puts some kind of unspoken and unwritten pressure on you. I knew him and I knew him well and when he said that he'll probably lose his mind if I leave him, I knew he was freaking serious!

Around June, our rocky ground was shaken further. I was always unhappy and I felt as if sustaining the relationship was some kind of chore. I read somewhere that when love or a relationship feels like a chore already, then that is a red flag that shouldn't be taken for granted.

He said some things that have hurt me indirectly and I have done things that did hurt him. For example, if I'm on field work, he'll usually text or call and when I am unable to respond immediately, he'll say words like "You don't have time for me" and other things like that. Part of me was tired of it all, especially because I had new tasks and new areas assigned to me. I knew deep down how I wanted to be treated and although he is very sweet and very kind, I wasn't getting it and what he expects from me, he couldn't get either.

Peace.

I did not feel peace.
I did not feel relaxed in the relationship.
It was stressing me out and sometimes I no longer reply or return his calls. It felt like I was in a pressure cooker without him pressuring me directly. Oftentimes, in these kinds of moments, I attribute my reaction and my behavior to my attitude. I am carefree and I am really difficult to tie down. I mean there are a lot of girls who are like that but I am Ne-yo's Miss Independent. I know it's sweet to be taken cared of and to be looked after, but I'm not that kind of girl.

I am selfish and I am to blame for entering in the relationship. But I know that when I asked for freedom last June, I felt peace and oneness with myself.

We did talk several times and he took care of me when I was in the hospital last August. But everything about him felt foreign. He seemed to be someone myself wouldn't and couldn't recognize anymore. I really knew he was hurting especially during the times when we tried to talk after the break-up. The first time was a moment for apologies and the second was a time to try out second chances.

I was unfair.

I knew I was a big bitch when I broke up with him because I gave reasons that were just part of my entire issue. I told him I need time to be with myself and that I wanted less pressure from him given my new areas of assignment. He had set me free. The first time we met and talked again, I told him what I truly felt: peace. I was at peace no longer trying to make someone happy while compromising my own happiness. The second time we talked was a more painful blow. I knew what he wanted even though he did not tell me: he wanted to be back together. But I knew deep down my innermost core that I am happy being with myself for a while, searching for what I truly want.

And so I prepared a handwritten letter.

This time I was more honest, more blunt. I told him in the letter what I couldn't say to him during the break-up: I fell out of love. And it was the result of all reasons and feelings added together. I told him I could no longer promise him anything because I thought of us better off as friends just as how we started.

He repeatedly reassured me that he wasn't expecting anything more from me but that he was hopeful. He said that if there would be a next time, a second chance, he would already know how to handle me, and handle the relationship. I said that nobody knows what the future entails so I couldn't be so certain either.

I knew he was in pain and I was too. I remember thinking about how I wouldn't want to be the cause of any another person's misery. But damage has been done. And I am certain that if I give us another chance, I would just break him--break both of us further. It'll be more unfair for both of us if I decide to make up with him.

So now, almost four months after, here I am writing this blog thinking about what I just read recently: usually a person knows when someone is the one. I have been reflecting about all my emotions and feelings toward my recent ex and if what were the signs that he wasn't the one. Similarly, I was thinking about all other people I know who felt someone was the one but apparently that other person did not turn out to be it.

I have always claimed myself to be a commitment-phobe, but then I also feel that if someone is really worth committing to, or really worth risking everything with, then maybe there'll be no red flag flashing in your insides but perhaps a light bulb illuminating everything and making things seem to make much more sense.

I have been hurt and have hurt others a lot of times and I sometimes feel I am already unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. But I too, am hopeful. I have been continually wishing for the next man to be understanding of my freedom needs and my stubbornness. Somebody who would help me believe the truth in love not being a chore that one works hard for. I hope that my next relationship wouldn't be compromised by the fears I have acquired because of my recent relationship failure. I want to be able to love freely, love completely, and love like crazy.

Because despite of myself I believe that "UNLESS IT'S MAD, PASSIONATE, EXTRAORDINARY LOVE, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME. THERE ARE TOO MANY MEDIOCRE THINGS IN LIFE AND LOVE SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THEM."