In The Silence of the Table for Two

I thought, you'll only see it in movies.
Or in television shows perhaps..

But what is fiction without some reality?

I

In the silence of the heart, you fall into an abyss so deep.. the darkness envelops you with the cold, thin, air.. it makes you frail and it pushes the pain of isolation out of your already swollen eyes.. the tears force their way out..like some slits of sunlight trying to reach the clear water but ends like tiny fragments of radiance...

II

The contagious laughter misleads now.. it has defeated its purpose. it no longer satisfies nor endures..

but it still colors.
it colors the dullness of this table for two.
it highlights the eerie presence of the apostrophed.

the laughter is there. and it creates the deafening character of this legged sadness.


III

Wait. That's it.
Hope. Definitely.

Envy. How can you not? When all your life had been a gleeful sound of noise.. When it had been a full round table?

How can you not long for that happy chattering and miss the good old days? When all you have now is a lonely table?

A silent table for two.
When you're only ONE.

Maudlin - a REPOST

it's 2:26 in the morning. and i'm in pain.

holy aioli, this is intensely heart gripping.

severe than the nerve-bracking POS 60 sessions.

than my taegok and palgue practicals.
than my SA professor.
than my enemy's shadow.
than my bibliographic sources.

too much coffee?
too much of missing you.

OUCH.

emotions are due to the different processes in the hypothalamus. but fudge! give MY HEART A BREAK! (mean it in the best way you can think of).

"i'm holding on. but letting you go."

might as well do it.


***
you give me fever and hypothermia all at the same time.

stop it.

my blood boils then freezes, it hurts so much.

right now I hang by a thread.

nobody says my name the way he does and it hurts because right now, everything's crumbling down. at least for my part.

well, as my bestfriend and confidant would say to me, from this point onwards, i have no stake anymore. i already lost him and if i speak of my feelings, at least i know that it's still a no-win situation.

or perhaps speaking about it will liberate all this crashing even for a very, very small, almost negligible percentage. maybe, acknowledging the fact that i love him will help me move on a bit.

never have i expected that moving on was even part of the picture. but well, it sucks to be me. he did it. hurrah! *insert sarcasm here* well, kidding aside, i may be sad because he moved on without letting me do it ahead but nevertheless, i am not bitter whatsover because i know that i am not there right now to take care of him and i believe that hurting is part of the game. also, i think that with her in his new life, he has someone to take care of him -- something i cannot do right now.

had he just hanged on, the same way I did, perhaps there had been greater chances. but i guess, all those memories were just mistakes of the past. or if they were right, maybe they were right then.

all those memories became make-believes because we ended up just like this.

i have been in love with the same man, for the longest time up to the very point of futility. i cannot do otherwise but accept. life doesn't end here... although i try and speak it for myself and nudge me a bit towards feeling better, i still hang on this piece of thread, which makes it too difficult to endure.

i love him and soon enough, i would be able to say: i have loved him.