he told me not to fall in love with him if we put up with the act.
he got nervous.
and we both hyperventilated in the presence of our bestfriends.
that was the real laugh of the night wasn't it? we were figuring out the best way to stop all the nonsense rumors that are making both of us paranoid.
we don't have a thing.
and we aren't an item.
and so as friends, both our apologies to those who have expectations (that we are something)
and congratulations to those we truly like -- now you are free to like us back.
HAHAHA.
My Sumilao Night Sky
Or wherever I may be, you never fail to seduce me, Ms. Luna
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Because I'm awake.
Because I'm awake, there are numerous thoughts in my mind that I think I have to filter out. However, this task seems to be difficult and at the same time stress-inducing. For several days, I have been planning to post some new things.. to blog about stuff that I simply encounter while I'm at school or maybe doing some org stuff.
And because i'm awake, perhaps i have the "ability" to at least try and filter out one by one the things that have been boggling my mind these past few days and which i wanted to put into writing.
1) Philosophy Class.
My professor is a legend. That's why nobody gets him. There are many available slots in his class because he is that something. And now that i'm already currently taking him, I understand. He is a prima donna.
I dont mind the loooooooong readings because those, we (five of us in his class) have already encountered in our Political Philosophy class last semester. BUT i am annoyed about how he epitomizes Katy Perry's song Hot N' Cold. Because that's really him.
"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.. and you PMS like a bitch I would know."
He says one thing and then suddenly changes his mind. He schedules a meeting and when we have cancelled our other stuff for that, he would say the meeting won't push through. Or when he hasn't schedule anything for a particular date, he would suddenly schedule something last minute. :(
And many more.. Believe it when I say many more.
But I ain't lettin' him pull me down nor discourage me. NO. certainly not.
2) Recruitment
I have this position in an organization and we recruit teams who will serve as working arms of the department. My department is in-charge of doing research and there was this one guy who applied for my department.
This part right here is simply dilemma. He's smart but he's got bad reputation.
Aside from application forms, resumes, interview performance, and professionalism, i also grade based on what other people i consult to may say. And nobody as in zero said that i accept him.
But those who know him better discouraged me from accepting him in my team. And at the end, i didn't go for him. They said I won't regret it.
I hope i didn't judge him solely for that which he did in the past.
and for me, aside from the opinions of those people around, I know that he wasn't too professional. He didn't submit online his app form (someone else did this, but this other person sincerely loves research). He was late for his interview and had to re-sched. and went one-hour and a half earlier than his re-scheduled time. (Read: stress)
His interview was OK, perhaps good. You'll hear *smart* while he spoke but he wasn't my researcher-type. and I need me that certain quality present in my researchers. i need someone willing to do the analytical, number and trends - filled research.
This part right here is dilemma.
I hope i got this one thing correctly.
3) Playing the rules
I may be a higher - up in school but because of this fact, I got me hard, cold responsibilities too outside my job description.
I have to attend stuff, wear real clothes, wear make-up too and appear that i am higher up. But in all reality, i am that kind of person who wears mismatching top and pants. I wear loose shirts, i have super messy hair that appear to be un-groomed, i carry a lot of stuff around: books, umbrella, water bottle.
Yes. I am a little boy in an eighteen-year old body of a girl.
I walk with a swag and I am a super hyper person. but all that I have to repress every once in a while because my love for organizational work should be a priority and since I am in a position, I have to act like i am in it.
I have to dress up normally. try to walk without the swag, comb my hair although i always forget, eliminate the slouch, and most importantly, act like my gender. I am not gay or whatever but i'm not wholly sure if it is my fault that i am soooo boyish. *insert sigh here.* don't blame me if it becomes more convenient for me. :(
i like to eat like a boy because they are not really concerned about gaining weight.
i like to do stuff that they say only boys can do. because i am competitive.
i like to wear comfortable clothing.
i like how more carefree boys seem to be. no heels. no make-up. no uncomfortable clothing. no required posture or walking stance of some sort.
that's why i wear my hair this way.
that's why i walk like this.
that's why i eat like i do.
that's why i am comfortable. and got real boy friends to back me up.
that's why i'm energetic and happy.
although sometimes. i do have to play by the rules.
two things: (1) my work requires me to act and perform in a non-deviant-kind-of-way.
(2) and when i'm out of my league, or not in my jurisdiction, i am a not the VP of my department and in these kinds of situations, i also have to play by the rules.
4) On Platonic relationships
There's this new person who's really my best friend. And there's this someone whom I considered my best friend but then fell for him. And I never really had the chance to tell him. So we're stunted in that phase of the past. Friends.
This new friend is someone I can talk to for hours and hours and our other friends simply match us together or what have you. they think we are something but the reality is, our friendship is likened to a forbidden love. However in our case, what we have is a forbidden friendship.
And i'm starting to hate it.
Nobody really knows how close we are because when we are within the range of our common friends' prying eyes, we are simply OK friends. perhaps there is really that scared factor that they will start yet another never-ending rumor that we have a thing. So what we do, we are the best friends we really are when we are with each other or when we have our common close friends around too, which by the way are about 3 only.
i cannot be the best friend to him or him to me when we are with those we work with because starting issues or rumors is so simple.
but we aren't a thing, please.
Meanwhile, the one i fell for that i was saying i considered as a best friend has moved on but i thought he was really up for something. perhaps, i misread. all those stuff he did and said were just things we can easily forget.
how i wished i didn't wait for too long so that i won't be regretting everything the way i do now. but nevertheless, there's time to fix broken hearts, mend them and move on. now i know that we were Platonic all along. or i'm just confusing myself. no matter what, i don't regret that i fell for him for the longest time despite the fact that i regret waiting for so long and not being able to tell him.
5) I miss worship.
Need i say more? I miss Him and I miss praising Him "officially." Although I won't let this metastisize. I will praise Him in spite of me.
He gives me strength in the midst of broken hearts, troubles in school, and work. He gives me courage to go on and believe that I can do it. Although I miss my family who are away, i know there is that Being who'll love me and not break my heart.
And I was given one good way to air out some of the most pressing concerns that are boggling my mind right now. i believe that i have made space and defragmented.. so in this instant I can already accommodate other things.
Save the sanity for me.
And because i'm awake, perhaps i have the "ability" to at least try and filter out one by one the things that have been boggling my mind these past few days and which i wanted to put into writing.
1) Philosophy Class.
My professor is a legend. That's why nobody gets him. There are many available slots in his class because he is that something. And now that i'm already currently taking him, I understand. He is a prima donna.
I dont mind the loooooooong readings because those, we (five of us in his class) have already encountered in our Political Philosophy class last semester. BUT i am annoyed about how he epitomizes Katy Perry's song Hot N' Cold. Because that's really him.
"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.. and you PMS like a bitch I would know."
He says one thing and then suddenly changes his mind. He schedules a meeting and when we have cancelled our other stuff for that, he would say the meeting won't push through. Or when he hasn't schedule anything for a particular date, he would suddenly schedule something last minute. :(
And many more.. Believe it when I say many more.
But I ain't lettin' him pull me down nor discourage me. NO. certainly not.
2) Recruitment
I have this position in an organization and we recruit teams who will serve as working arms of the department. My department is in-charge of doing research and there was this one guy who applied for my department.
This part right here is simply dilemma. He's smart but he's got bad reputation.
Aside from application forms, resumes, interview performance, and professionalism, i also grade based on what other people i consult to may say. And nobody as in zero said that i accept him.
But those who know him better discouraged me from accepting him in my team. And at the end, i didn't go for him. They said I won't regret it.
I hope i didn't judge him solely for that which he did in the past.
and for me, aside from the opinions of those people around, I know that he wasn't too professional. He didn't submit online his app form (someone else did this, but this other person sincerely loves research). He was late for his interview and had to re-sched. and went one-hour and a half earlier than his re-scheduled time. (Read: stress)
His interview was OK, perhaps good. You'll hear *smart* while he spoke but he wasn't my researcher-type. and I need me that certain quality present in my researchers. i need someone willing to do the analytical, number and trends - filled research.
This part right here is dilemma.
I hope i got this one thing correctly.
3) Playing the rules
I may be a higher - up in school but because of this fact, I got me hard, cold responsibilities too outside my job description.
I have to attend stuff, wear real clothes, wear make-up too and appear that i am higher up. But in all reality, i am that kind of person who wears mismatching top and pants. I wear loose shirts, i have super messy hair that appear to be un-groomed, i carry a lot of stuff around: books, umbrella, water bottle.
Yes. I am a little boy in an eighteen-year old body of a girl.
I walk with a swag and I am a super hyper person. but all that I have to repress every once in a while because my love for organizational work should be a priority and since I am in a position, I have to act like i am in it.
I have to dress up normally. try to walk without the swag, comb my hair although i always forget, eliminate the slouch, and most importantly, act like my gender. I am not gay or whatever but i'm not wholly sure if it is my fault that i am soooo boyish. *insert sigh here.* don't blame me if it becomes more convenient for me. :(
i like to eat like a boy because they are not really concerned about gaining weight.
i like to do stuff that they say only boys can do. because i am competitive.
i like to wear comfortable clothing.
i like how more carefree boys seem to be. no heels. no make-up. no uncomfortable clothing. no required posture or walking stance of some sort.
that's why i wear my hair this way.
that's why i walk like this.
that's why i eat like i do.
that's why i am comfortable. and got real boy friends to back me up.
that's why i'm energetic and happy.
although sometimes. i do have to play by the rules.
two things: (1) my work requires me to act and perform in a non-deviant-kind-of-way.
(2) and when i'm out of my league, or not in my jurisdiction, i am a not the VP of my department and in these kinds of situations, i also have to play by the rules.
4) On Platonic relationships
There's this new person who's really my best friend. And there's this someone whom I considered my best friend but then fell for him. And I never really had the chance to tell him. So we're stunted in that phase of the past. Friends.
This new friend is someone I can talk to for hours and hours and our other friends simply match us together or what have you. they think we are something but the reality is, our friendship is likened to a forbidden love. However in our case, what we have is a forbidden friendship.
And i'm starting to hate it.
Nobody really knows how close we are because when we are within the range of our common friends' prying eyes, we are simply OK friends. perhaps there is really that scared factor that they will start yet another never-ending rumor that we have a thing. So what we do, we are the best friends we really are when we are with each other or when we have our common close friends around too, which by the way are about 3 only.
i cannot be the best friend to him or him to me when we are with those we work with because starting issues or rumors is so simple.
but we aren't a thing, please.
Meanwhile, the one i fell for that i was saying i considered as a best friend has moved on but i thought he was really up for something. perhaps, i misread. all those stuff he did and said were just things we can easily forget.
how i wished i didn't wait for too long so that i won't be regretting everything the way i do now. but nevertheless, there's time to fix broken hearts, mend them and move on. now i know that we were Platonic all along. or i'm just confusing myself. no matter what, i don't regret that i fell for him for the longest time despite the fact that i regret waiting for so long and not being able to tell him.
5) I miss worship.
Need i say more? I miss Him and I miss praising Him "officially." Although I won't let this metastisize. I will praise Him in spite of me.
He gives me strength in the midst of broken hearts, troubles in school, and work. He gives me courage to go on and believe that I can do it. Although I miss my family who are away, i know there is that Being who'll love me and not break my heart.
And I was given one good way to air out some of the most pressing concerns that are boggling my mind right now. i believe that i have made space and defragmented.. so in this instant I can already accommodate other things.
Save the sanity for me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
In The Silence of the Table for Two
I thought, you'll only see it in movies.
Or in television shows perhaps..
But what is fiction without some reality?
I
In the silence of the heart, you fall into an abyss so deep.. the darkness envelops you with the cold, thin, air.. it makes you frail and it pushes the pain of isolation out of your already swollen eyes.. the tears force their way out..like some slits of sunlight trying to reach the clear water but ends like tiny fragments of radiance...
II
The contagious laughter misleads now.. it has defeated its purpose. it no longer satisfies nor endures..
but it still colors.
it colors the dullness of this table for two.
it highlights the eerie presence of the apostrophed.
the laughter is there. and it creates the deafening character of this legged sadness.
III
Wait. That's it.
Hope. Definitely.
Envy. How can you not? When all your life had been a gleeful sound of noise.. When it had been a full round table?
How can you not long for that happy chattering and miss the good old days? When all you have now is a lonely table?
A silent table for two.
When you're only ONE.
Or in television shows perhaps..
But what is fiction without some reality?
I
In the silence of the heart, you fall into an abyss so deep.. the darkness envelops you with the cold, thin, air.. it makes you frail and it pushes the pain of isolation out of your already swollen eyes.. the tears force their way out..like some slits of sunlight trying to reach the clear water but ends like tiny fragments of radiance...
II
The contagious laughter misleads now.. it has defeated its purpose. it no longer satisfies nor endures..
but it still colors.
it colors the dullness of this table for two.
it highlights the eerie presence of the apostrophed.
the laughter is there. and it creates the deafening character of this legged sadness.
III
Wait. That's it.
Hope. Definitely.
Envy. How can you not? When all your life had been a gleeful sound of noise.. When it had been a full round table?
How can you not long for that happy chattering and miss the good old days? When all you have now is a lonely table?
A silent table for two.
When you're only ONE.
Maudlin - a REPOST
it's 2:26 in the morning. and i'm in pain.
holy aioli, this is intensely heart gripping.
severe than the nerve-bracking POS 60 sessions.
than my taegok and palgue practicals.
than my SA professor.
than my enemy's shadow.
than my bibliographic sources.
too much coffee?
too much of missing you.
OUCH.
emotions are due to the different processes in the hypothalamus. but fudge! give MY HEART A BREAK! (mean it in the best way you can think of).
"i'm holding on. but letting you go."
might as well do it.
***
you give me fever and hypothermia all at the same time.
stop it.
my blood boils then freezes, it hurts so much.
holy aioli, this is intensely heart gripping.
severe than the nerve-bracking POS 60 sessions.
than my taegok and palgue practicals.
than my SA professor.
than my enemy's shadow.
than my bibliographic sources.
too much coffee?
too much of missing you.
OUCH.
emotions are due to the different processes in the hypothalamus. but fudge! give MY HEART A BREAK! (mean it in the best way you can think of).
"i'm holding on. but letting you go."
might as well do it.
***
you give me fever and hypothermia all at the same time.
stop it.
my blood boils then freezes, it hurts so much.
right now I hang by a thread.
nobody says my name the way he does and it hurts because right now, everything's crumbling down. at least for my part.
well, as my bestfriend and confidant would say to me, from this point onwards, i have no stake anymore. i already lost him and if i speak of my feelings, at least i know that it's still a no-win situation.
or perhaps speaking about it will liberate all this crashing even for a very, very small, almost negligible percentage. maybe, acknowledging the fact that i love him will help me move on a bit.
never have i expected that moving on was even part of the picture. but well, it sucks to be me. he did it. hurrah! *insert sarcasm here* well, kidding aside, i may be sad because he moved on without letting me do it ahead but nevertheless, i am not bitter whatsover because i know that i am not there right now to take care of him and i believe that hurting is part of the game. also, i think that with her in his new life, he has someone to take care of him -- something i cannot do right now.
had he just hanged on, the same way I did, perhaps there had been greater chances. but i guess, all those memories were just mistakes of the past. or if they were right, maybe they were right then.
all those memories became make-believes because we ended up just like this.
i have been in love with the same man, for the longest time up to the very point of futility. i cannot do otherwise but accept. life doesn't end here... although i try and speak it for myself and nudge me a bit towards feeling better, i still hang on this piece of thread, which makes it too difficult to endure.
i love him and soon enough, i would be able to say: i have loved him.
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