You are my Muse

You make me draw and paint and color again
You make me write songs and sing again
You make me play the guitar
With choruses and refrains
With intro and outro
And poems on the tip of my pens
You make me dance to
Slow songs
Love songs
Dance songs
You make my heart beat so fast
Like 10,000 drummers drumming
That wouldn't last
Double that number
Are the butterflies no longer in their slumber
They flap their wings
And twist my insides
There is a smile on my face
I can never really hide
You're face is always beaming on my mind
You're that little treasure
But an even greater find
I close my eyes to sleep
And you're always there
When we're together we're insomniacs
When we're apart, we still are
If you're not my muse
I don't know what you are
Your love I won't refuse
Your passion I'll hold
Everything makes sense
And everything's so nice
Let's not dwell on the past
And not be tied to the worries of the future
You and me
Let us be
Each other's gift
Each other's present

Falling Out of Love

As the last quarter of 2013 is fast approaching, I cannot help but think and reflect deeply on this swirl of emotions I have been having since the end of the second quarter of 2013.

I recently ended a relationship with someone. Albeit not formal (like calling each other boyfriend-girlfriend), we did have an understanding and it took a lot of courage to break it to him that I wanted out. I have felt like ending it around the end of 2012 last year but then I had no courage to do it. Moreover, I was trying to rationalize and think that individuals in relationships do experience that kind of feeling every now and then--wanting out.

In retrospect, I guess that was a red flag in my past relationship. Apart from wanting out, I was actually staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons. First, I valued his family more. I mean, it was like I was so in love with his family I was blinded from the real issues--our issues. And second, I was staying in the relationship out of fear that he might hurt himself since he mentioned that he wouldn't love anyone else--that I'll be the last.

There are three men in my life who told me that and he was the second person who said to me that I was the last girl he'll love. Another person (the third person) told me earlier today that I'll be the only person he'll be loving for the rest of his life. But that's a whole different story.

If your partner tells you that, it puts some kind of unspoken and unwritten pressure on you. I knew him and I knew him well and when he said that he'll probably lose his mind if I leave him, I knew he was freaking serious!

Around June, our rocky ground was shaken further. I was always unhappy and I felt as if sustaining the relationship was some kind of chore. I read somewhere that when love or a relationship feels like a chore already, then that is a red flag that shouldn't be taken for granted.

He said some things that have hurt me indirectly and I have done things that did hurt him. For example, if I'm on field work, he'll usually text or call and when I am unable to respond immediately, he'll say words like "You don't have time for me" and other things like that. Part of me was tired of it all, especially because I had new tasks and new areas assigned to me. I knew deep down how I wanted to be treated and although he is very sweet and very kind, I wasn't getting it and what he expects from me, he couldn't get either.

Peace.

I did not feel peace.
I did not feel relaxed in the relationship.
It was stressing me out and sometimes I no longer reply or return his calls. It felt like I was in a pressure cooker without him pressuring me directly. Oftentimes, in these kinds of moments, I attribute my reaction and my behavior to my attitude. I am carefree and I am really difficult to tie down. I mean there are a lot of girls who are like that but I am Ne-yo's Miss Independent. I know it's sweet to be taken cared of and to be looked after, but I'm not that kind of girl.

I am selfish and I am to blame for entering in the relationship. But I know that when I asked for freedom last June, I felt peace and oneness with myself.

We did talk several times and he took care of me when I was in the hospital last August. But everything about him felt foreign. He seemed to be someone myself wouldn't and couldn't recognize anymore. I really knew he was hurting especially during the times when we tried to talk after the break-up. The first time was a moment for apologies and the second was a time to try out second chances.

I was unfair.

I knew I was a big bitch when I broke up with him because I gave reasons that were just part of my entire issue. I told him I need time to be with myself and that I wanted less pressure from him given my new areas of assignment. He had set me free. The first time we met and talked again, I told him what I truly felt: peace. I was at peace no longer trying to make someone happy while compromising my own happiness. The second time we talked was a more painful blow. I knew what he wanted even though he did not tell me: he wanted to be back together. But I knew deep down my innermost core that I am happy being with myself for a while, searching for what I truly want.

And so I prepared a handwritten letter.

This time I was more honest, more blunt. I told him in the letter what I couldn't say to him during the break-up: I fell out of love. And it was the result of all reasons and feelings added together. I told him I could no longer promise him anything because I thought of us better off as friends just as how we started.

He repeatedly reassured me that he wasn't expecting anything more from me but that he was hopeful. He said that if there would be a next time, a second chance, he would already know how to handle me, and handle the relationship. I said that nobody knows what the future entails so I couldn't be so certain either.

I knew he was in pain and I was too. I remember thinking about how I wouldn't want to be the cause of any another person's misery. But damage has been done. And I am certain that if I give us another chance, I would just break him--break both of us further. It'll be more unfair for both of us if I decide to make up with him.

So now, almost four months after, here I am writing this blog thinking about what I just read recently: usually a person knows when someone is the one. I have been reflecting about all my emotions and feelings toward my recent ex and if what were the signs that he wasn't the one. Similarly, I was thinking about all other people I know who felt someone was the one but apparently that other person did not turn out to be it.

I have always claimed myself to be a commitment-phobe, but then I also feel that if someone is really worth committing to, or really worth risking everything with, then maybe there'll be no red flag flashing in your insides but perhaps a light bulb illuminating everything and making things seem to make much more sense.

I have been hurt and have hurt others a lot of times and I sometimes feel I am already unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. But I too, am hopeful. I have been continually wishing for the next man to be understanding of my freedom needs and my stubbornness. Somebody who would help me believe the truth in love not being a chore that one works hard for. I hope that my next relationship wouldn't be compromised by the fears I have acquired because of my recent relationship failure. I want to be able to love freely, love completely, and love like crazy.

Because despite of myself I believe that "UNLESS IT'S MAD, PASSIONATE, EXTRAORDINARY LOVE, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME. THERE ARE TOO MANY MEDIOCRE THINGS IN LIFE AND LOVE SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THEM."

AI-evoked Catharsis

Some people are so generous that they hope to be blissful even for a little while. While some of us have the tendency to be more extravagant and want to be blissful most if not all the time.

But life is unfair and we have to accept that reality.Despite wanting to be happy all the time, we know that we can't be for that is impossible. I want to believe that wanting to be happy is not at all bad, however I sometimes feel that there is a major tendency to be selfish because of that desire to be happy always.

Life will throw at us stones, lemons, what have you but we have to gladly accept that these are all part of a scheme that sometimes we do not have control over.

I am breaking in tears and as usual in moments of catharsis, it's an effective avenue to write the feelings that evoke the catharsis. I just came from another marathon that left me speechless, sad, in awe, and even depressed. It's been a long time ago since I learned that I am not just simple touched or moved by shows or movies that are haunting or sad, they scar me--and they impress upon me memories and evoke all sorts of emotions that are present in my very wide emotional spectrum.

These tears are proof of a love story albeit poorly written at some points, but left me a major impression of what selfless love is. Human beings are not perfect thus sometimes incapable of that sort of love. Jesus is the son of God and he is both human and divine and in this other story is Night, and he wasn't human and although he was programmed to love, he was one of the perfect examples and manifestations of love in the story. The humans in the story were also equally selfless in their pursuit of love and happiness.

Some parts were cliches already and yet I learned a lot in my two-day marathon of about 14 hours worth of a show that when you genuinely love a person, you'll do everything, even help your competition for that love just to make that person truly happy. It's really about sacrifice. If you love a person so much and so true, you know when to keep going but at the same time you would know when to stop and surrender. When a person's truly important to you, every waking hour and every remaining moment of your life is not wasted when you give it and offer or even spend it with that person whom you love. When you truly care about the other person's welfare, you know when to be strong for that other person even when you're truly breaking into pieces inside. Loving is accepting but loving is also knowing. Love is generous and it is sometimes too giving.

Cura personalis,
Magis.

So many wonderful things about love and yet they're easier to see in the movies and in tv programs. They seem less complex when they're woven into a script or a plot. Love makes us believe and yet love can make us frightful but it is not love I guess wholly but the memories of fear and pain we sometimes associate.

But we cannot blame ourselves always because of our shortcomings and failures. Anyway, we're only human--unlike Wan Nai Te

Restraint, as Poon would put it

If there is one person that should understand you more than anyone else, that should be yourself. It is a great challenge if others know you more than you know yourself because that makes it a blindspot. I'd like to think that although I have poor qualities, I understand myself and that I know why I act this or that way. 

I just hope that whatever I'm feeling right at this moment, it's what I think it is--and that I'll be able to address it not as a weak individual but a strong, willful, disciplined person.

And as Richard Poon, my favorite Pinoy singer had put it, "restraint is key." And I really do believe that it is so.

Let yourself be.

Dear blogspot or blogger or blog-whatever,

I really want to write on my journal, write a new song, play the guitar, as well as paint. My hands, heart, and head have all been itching to do those things as of recently. I have so many feelings lately and none of them I have processed. Time has been against me and when it isn't, I don't know what is. I have been feeling up and then down and up again. A lot of feelings. A lot of unprocessed feelings. I want to be busy and yet when I'm busy I don't want to anymore. My heart's as if being gripped so tight it will burst into so many pieces.

I have hurt someone so much recently and I know that I will continue to be un-free if I keep on protecting that someone. I know that the pain was really meant for both of us. It was meant to be happy but it was the experience of that pain that I hold on to the hope that I will eventually be at peace. I expected the pain and I want to welcome it but sometimes it haunts me and silently saws my being.

I don't understand myself anymore sometimes. I feel that I need to fast forward my life into maybe five years from now so I don't have to continue living as this immature person. I want to skip this time of my life but of course that would have major repercussions. There are major contrasts to my being. Sometimes I want to attribute it to being young or perhaps trying to be mature when I really didn't have to way back in high school. I chose responsibility and I chose to fight for my principles. Now looking back I don't regret them because my personality has been sharpened by my experiences as a young leader. But then again, the contrasts. I want to be sometimes young and sometimes my mature-r self won't allow it. I want to be free but it sometimes entails immaturity. I don't know. I am not sure.

All these aren't even making sense but I need to write this down. I am no longer sure. God never leaves me alone but physically sometimes I feel alone and I see that it may be nice to have someone who will be there and be present. But knowing myself, if I allow that to happen again, my independence and love for freedom will complain against restraint. I just hope that I can be strong despite being alone. I am not lonely, just in solitude maybe. Solitude is my surname--literally..in translation.

I just pray that I have done the right thing. That I chose because I was no longer happy. My happiness (as a youth) I think is really proportionate to the freedom that I am experiencing. I am not entirely sure but I guess so. Loving is so painful and even if I try to make Fr. Arrupe's mantra apply in my previous romantic engagement, I just couldn't. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be or to happen or to blossom. I want to be sure but everything is crazy right now.

How I wish my early twenties will be very significant and peaceful and that I will be happy despite being one. I pray that I appreciate the silence in table for two even when I'm alone. I pray that when love comes knocking again it'll be more than 3 years from now. And that I'll be able to bear all the emotions while I'm alone. I hope that I remain to not mind it all.

Let freedom be.
Let peace be.
Let happiness be.
Let love be.

Let me love myself right now. I know its selfish but maybe it's about time that I give myself and my being to myself and my being. Maybe it's the only way I can be happy again and be much at peace.

Lord it may be hard to do but I hope that I will be able to appreciate fighting for myself and for my own survival in all the aspects. Let me remain strong in the happiness and stronger in the sadder times. Let me appreciate what I have and what will be. I want to be strong-willed. I want to man up for myself. I want to not regret my choices. I want to just move on and be.

Free Once More

Today I finished the song I was writing three days ago. The content of the song came to me when I saw through an online post that a friend of mine who lost her boyfriend last August due to cancer is still grieving and still misses him big time. Also on that same night somebody texted me that a friend of ours was in the ICU because of surgical complications. The next day, he passed away.

The song is really about people who lost someone important in their lives and are imprisoned by the grief that sometimes causes happy things like singing or dancing to be stripped off their joyful quality because sadness burns people in grief from the inside. It is for people whose hearts seem to have passed too along with the deceased loved ones.

But eventually and in time, all people who are grieving will take flight and be free once more and they will be able to hope again and when all the pain goes away.

Thank You Daren and Daniel (D&D Custom Guitars)

It's my D&D Custom Guitar. She's sleek and makes great music. Her name's Effie (Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games film) because "that is mahogany!" Haha. Actually the guitar body is made, according to my research, from mahogany and spruce while the fretboard is rosewood.

These kinds of guitars are perfect for girls and women (or men too) who like me prefer slimmer, lighter acoustic guitars (with steel strings) that have smaller frets.

I sought the help from my friend and along with his friend they were able to get Effie for me and my life has been changed already. Haha.

Thank you friend! and to your friend as well! Woohoo :))

Thank you Daren and Daniel!

Feel better by making good music or listening to them.

Harry's Games and the Potter Hunger

I have read at some site that a mother was really concerned when her son finished Suzanne Collins's The Hunger Games trilogy because after reading the three books he didn't seem to know what to do with his life and he seemed afloat. But in reality, this diversion may not yet be the end of a such dreamy state because he still has two other films to look forward to.

The seven books from J.K. Rowling book series on the other hand have been my ultimate source of distraction for the past couple of weeks. I have read some of the books before when I was younger but it was just until very recently that I have read them from Books 1 to 7, watching the corresponding film after reading each book. I know I may sound such a loser for a lot of Potterheads out there since I watched all films when they came out of theaters but have just read them all finally when I'm 21. But I think it was timely because I was more equipped than I could have been when I was 12, when vocabulary and comprehension would have been more difficult but suspension of disbelief easier. Although after finishing all books and watching the films again, I was somehow like that woman's son--distracted and drifting. I was too when I finished The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and the Mockingjay.

It was with difficulty, similar to what I experienced while reading Collins's The Hunger Games to completely accept the differences between the book and the film. I am hopeful though that Catching Fire, when released in theaters by November 2013, to give justice to such an albeit brief, very riveting, wonderful sequel in the trilogy.

But of course all directors and producers and their teams have a lot to consider, logistically speaking.

Harry Potter had seven books, one amazing author, eight films, four film directors. I am not knowledgeable about the film industry, its ins and outs (so pardon me) but I saw how the first two films (Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets) were so similar in various aspects I attribute it to a certain Columbus flavor. At the same manner, the last four films (Order of the Phoenix, Half-blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows 1&2) were very Yates while Cuaron's Prisoner of Azkaban had a different feel to all the rest of the other films as well as Newell's Goblet of Fire. 

But it doesn't matter when you have the seven books to explain a lot of things that were not shown in the films. Successors to the film directorship had to, I obviously assume, tweak their films based on the differences between book and film that their and their screen writer predecessors have made. 

For example, Mundungus Fletcher should have been very crucial to the fifth book of the series since he was part of the Order. However, it was only until Deathly Hallows Part 1 that he was made present, introducing himself to Harry at the Privet Drive. It was a bit worse not having been introduced (in the film) to a complete set of Weasley siblings (read: Charlie Weasley). The Weasleys are my favorite pureblood characters. Too bad Bill's encounter with Fenrir Greyback was not shown in motion picture. But at least his handsome face and ginger hair were given birth to the second to the last film or else there will be no wedding.

How I wanted to see S.P.E.W movements and the tiny hats and socks in the Harry Potter movie franchise.
Or Harry's seventeenth Golden Snitch cake.
Or Nymphadora's change of patronus and her struggle to make Remus finally give in.
Or the ghoul at the Burrow's attic.
Or Ron's remark on saving the house-elves.

I felt the same way when I had hoped to see the feast Katniss and Peeta shared in the cave when she said, "There is no competition anywhere."
Or what an Avox might look like.
I wanted to see so badly how the mockingjay pin was given to Katniss by Madge Undersee and not by Greasy Rae.
I wanted to see Peeta's father holding out cookies for Katniss. 
And the list goes on.

But despite differences of book and film, the author animates her book (perhaps along with her editors, publisher, agents, etc.) while the director animates his film (along with his producers, screenwriters, cinematographers, editors, etc.) in their own way. This however has its own setbacks and some are quite big. As they say, you either read the book and spoil the film or watch the film and risk either feeling sad for the injustice to a book (since a book must be really good to be movie-worthy) or you may risk not reading the book at all.

I know that this opinion varies from person to person. There are some books I have read before the film and there are films I have watched before reading the book. The latter situation actually helped me give more details to the faces I should picture in my head or the setting in a particular scene. I am not 100% certain at this point but I am guessing I prefer to have read a book before its film (since book before film is the usual scenario). It may spoil the film for others but I don't really think so since it also presents a story although not in motion picture. The challenge however is when you are too immersed into a book, the film may eventually not turn out the way you have pictured it or expected it.

One thing is sure for me though, as long as a film gives justice to a book's beauty, it remains beautiful to me. However, no matter how magnificent a film may be, if it did great injustice to a magnificent book, I know I will be, hmmm.. sad. Gary Ross's The Hunger Games was in a lot of ways not similar to the book, but nevertheless, it was not unjust.

I am not helpful at this moment nor am I making much sense while listening to Ed Sheeran's song "Drunk" but I just wanted to let that this one out because I know other people have the same dilemma. It's like Rowena Ravenclaw's question on the phoenix and the ashes for it is a circular kind of issue. Book or Film. Film or Book. If you ever get confused, try and make some experiments, read books and watch their films or try watching films before reading their books. At the end of the day, the choice will be up to the one watching or the one reading.

Reading or watching, both strain the eyes though.

To the guy who made a lot of tears fall this past week

You can never cheat on Death and just like what I once read during college (memory not serving me optimally at the moment) that death will never be like a vacation that you can decide when to go, or where to go. It's something more like lottery results that you cannot simple predict if you are a new millionaire or not.

I'd like to think that no one really is a fan of deaths, of course for those who practice altruistic suicide or religious suicides, I can never know for sure. But anyway, a death of a family member or a friend or an acquaintance will always cause, more often than not, feelings of shock and sadness. Depression and anger. Or a feeling that seems to drill a big hollow space in one's heart. A hollow space where someone used to be in it, and then suddenly, no longer there.

I am and will never be a fan. Of course I can never predict my own death or a friend's or a family member's. I am not psychic and neither am I a health practitioner. In this uncertainty of the thief's arrival (whether at night or in broad daylight), I am at least sure of one thing--death affects and scars me in ways I myself cannot fully comprehend. Be it a death of a loved one or friend, and more confusingly if a death of someone I barely know or do not know at all. News such as those, once they enter my ears in the form of sound waves, linger as if a grey cloud on top of my head and following me whenever, waiting to downpour.

I always say, "deaths of people I don't even know affects me a lot, what more deaths of people I know?" I tend to float and my brain seems to be malfunctioning every time I hear stories of people who died or just died. This happened very recently and I have been haunted by the sadness for the last week.

He was 20, and died of an acute version of Leukemia. He survived the cancer a couple of years back, and suddenly his illness was back and took away his life in just two weeks. We weren't that close but we had a lot of common friends, and his brother was my batch mate in high school. In 2009, I had my hair shaved for a program for kids with cancer and it was called I AM HOPE. The head-shaving activity was entitled "Be Brave, Get Shaved." It was an act of solidarity for kids with cancer, particularly for the kids of Ateneo Kythe, the organization that spearheaded the activity. But of course, I offered it to him, my friend who had cancer. Luckily his cancer was on an early stage. I told him that he is one of the reasons why I had my head shaved and that he should get well ASAP. He and all the other individuals fighting cancer are the brave ones who fight and inspire us. At least all at stake was my hair, and the possible embarrassment or queries one ordinary girl with shaved head can get.

Fast forward three years after, July 2012, I heard there was a relapse and his illness was back. And it was acute this time. He was told that he had to undergo chemotherapy for six months for maintenance. We were all taken aback and I know that I'll never understand the fear and pain his family, girlfriend, and closest friends felt. He had to stay at the ICU and he was sedated during the first week or so after his return to the hospital. We learned that he underwent kidney dialysis and had a minor surgery and he needed three O+ blood donors every day. We blasted through our networks to search for possible blood donors for screening--tweeting, posting on facebook, texting people, etc. He was very important to a lot of people and it was very evident during the news of the relapse, and even until now.

I am not entirely sure of the coincidence but I had a flight to Cebu during the week he was hospitalized there. I was prepared to donate blood since I have done it before twice. I dropped caffeine, increased water intake, took vitamins, and a whole lot more. What I wasn't prepared for was hours before my flight, we was pronounced dead. And it created a hollow space in my heart, and in the hearts of so many other people who he was a part of. I thought I was to go to the hospital, but instead I went to the memorial chapel. Despite the feelings of loss that was in the atmosphere, there was hope and I really felt it during the first night of his funeral service. His parents were thankful, and very positive. His dad personally wanted to create a database of possible blood donors that will help all other kids with cancer. I genuinely felt that his death was his redemption from all the pains and that he left to be in a place with God with peace and genuine happiness.

Kristian Roy, your family and friends believe that you did put up a good fight. And thank you for touching so many lives in your own makulit way here on earth even during just twenty tender years.

Rest in peace. Have a happy, crazy, peaceful rest with the Almighty. We are praying for you.

Perhaps I do have issues

I have had a lot of chances to watch this film. But I prevented myself because I heard it was heartbreaking. A year after the film was released, I tried to watch in on my computer. But I was very reluctant due to the same reason. Now, two years after its release, I finally had the guts to watch it from the beginning until the end. And true enough—it was heartbreaking. Letting go of toys reminded me of my literal ‘squeeze’ since I was one or two. My pillow with a Hello Kitty pillowcase. I realized after watching Toy Story 3, security pillows can also be called insecurity pillows because you feel more secure when you have them with you and you feel insecure otherwise. I love my pillow as much as Andy loved his toys. But we all have to grow up just like Andy. And animated as this second sequel may be, even as I was reading the reviews tonight after the film, my tears still flow like waterfalls. Thank you, Mr. Tissue Paper. Letting go of things we have learned to love is always painful but nonetheless, it is a sign of growth. 

A Very Big, Secure, and Thick Bubble

Seek your own space where you'll find peace of mind. A space that will enable you to run from all the worries surrounding you. A particular place where you are sheltered inside a very big, secure, and thick bubble that no one can easily pop.

Hold onto the idea of a certain sacred space that is all yours. No one can take it from you. Remember that. You are entitled to that space of peace that you have created.

Live and breathe. And when you have all the air you need, and when you've found all the peace that has been lacking so far, open the door of that very big, secure, and thick bubble and go out. Live and breathe. Experience life by living. Learn. Get hurt. Stand up. Smile. Cry.

When you can no longer hold back because of new found fear and pain, look back. The very big, secure, and thick bubble is still there, with the door ajar.

Enter your space of peace when you need it. It doesn't make you weak. It just proves you're human.

Smile. Live. Breathe. Love.

My hair is dreaded. but it's cleaner now (i just don't have a more recent photo). At least people can guess my name easily. No mispronunciations, no misspellings--just a remembrance of the most popular person with dreadlocks..my namesake and uncle :)

Youngblood

Stars in my Palms (Published on the Inquirer last March 31, 2012) So here’s the thing. I was hit by the nostalgia bug after seeing photos of my closest college friends having a get-together because in the not too distant past, I enjoyed being with them in similar gatherings. I don’t feel bad. Not at all. It’s just that I miss them. Not just them, but all the other friends I have who are scattered around the country and overseas. And yes, in essence, they are far from me. It sometimes hits me that I have this reality in me—a passion for adventure and a love for the uncomfortable and the unconventional. My heart takes my feet and my dreams carry me wherever; I don’t know where I’ll settle eventually. Some attribute my carefree ways to my being born under the sign of the horse in the Chinese zodiac. I don’t really know for sure about the zodiac thing, but I am indeed carefree. I am always led by the course of the wind here and there. Mostly because of a purpose, and I’d like to think it is a great purpose. I lived 16 years in a small city in the Visayas. Then I spent four years in Luzon for college. And now, currently, I am in Mindanao doing volunteer work for agrarian reform beneficiaries (ARBs). I initially thought it would just be a one-year stint here, as indicated in our volunteer program, but somehow circumstances at work led me to extending my stay. Maybe for a little while, maybe for some time, maybe for good—I don’t know exactly. I have always been like a person’s fleeting memory from a childhood past. Sometimes the memory returns like a homing bird to someone’s senses, but most of the time, it’s flying and trying to spread its wings. Funny how recently, a farmer-leader that I work with at my institution told me to hold up my palm. We were attending a market chain seminar for farm products. She was staring at something that seemed quite interesting in the web of my palm lines. She said there were stars formed in the intersections of my palm lines—meaning, according to her research and inquiries, that a lot of people will depend on me and actually need me. Perhaps it’s so. I am working with a confederation of people’s organizations, and the primary group I am assigned to is perhaps the most popular of ARBs in the country. I work as a community organizer and an agro-enterprise facilitator for the farmers’ cooperative. I was assigned to the institution after I applied for a volunteer program. The institution needed a community organizer and an enterprise facilitator for the area, and I was matched with it. Yes, indeed, perhaps I am needed in my work. It manifests in the fact that I was assigned to work here for just a year and yet, because of the “need” and the circumstances, I am very much encouraged to extend my stay. People I work with, farmers mostly, tell me how grateful they are that I am with them and assisting them in their concerns. Some even directly tell me to stay because the cooperative needs someone to continually aid its development. Oh, boy! Isn’t that flattering and pressuring at the same time? Admittedly, I love it here and I love what I do. It may be very stressful and challenging at times but, yes, as a famous Filipino movie line goes, “I care about my job, sir.” I do care about my job, because there are stars in my palms and farmers are depending on me. These are not words of arrogance but an affirmation that I am needed, and in the need, I feel wanted and welcomed and even more challenged to deliver and to fulfill the development concerns of the cooperative. With the feeling of being needed, I discover their potential as farmers and as a cooperative, and I, too, discover myself in more ways than I can ever imagine. It is not a high-paying job. Well, let me correct that. As a volunteer, I don’t get paid at all; instead, I am given a monthly allowance that is just half of what I used to get when I was in college. Some of my college batch mates are working in famous corporations, some also in development work, and others, pursuing postgraduate studies. It is challenging here, yes, but even before entering the volunteer program, I knew what it entailed. Living miles away from home and budgeting a modest allowance—I must say, indeed, I am a fan of the uncomfortable. But I don’t feel bad at all. Instead, if this is any feeling at all, this is truly liberating! I don’t know how long I will stay here or if I will forever be an adventurer treading paths that others would not dare take. But I believe there are two things sure for me: first, that I have been changed forever by the choices I have made, leaving and building new friendships, leaving again and creating new relationships once more; and second, I will always miss the people I love, met and who have changed me in one way or another, because in being quite nomadic and adventurous and passionate to change the world, my physical absence has had its repercussions and consequences. Perhaps I can’t take away from my system my habit of leaving and exploring new things. I don’t leave because it’s comfortable to do so; it usually isn’t. I leave because I dance to the rhythm of my heart and my purpose, and I go wherever God takes me. I know that my purpose is a real purpose in itself because God continually helps shape it. I may miss the friends’ gatherings that I don’t get to attend, and I may miss even more the people who are in those events. But then again I realize that they will always be in my heart. And I’ll continue to go wherever this heart takes my feet, wherever the wind leads my purpose, and wherever God wants me to be. I take with me the people I love and care for as I dance away in loving service. After all, there are stars in the web of my palm lines; I am needed here, and I know the people I left will understand. Leaving has its purposes and I have a purpose to animate. I left, yes. But I left to live—to live for something greater than myself and to be life-giving to others as well. Jemika Kathryn F. Soledad, 21, is a political science graduate of Ateneo de Manila University. She now works in Sumilao, Bukidnon, for Pakisama NW-Mindanao.

Asterism

Careless as the water. Carefree as the Wind.
The Deneb of Cygnus
--the brightest at its tail
The chest of the Archer, a centaur. The ninth.
It took one look at the target, the result an Aldebaran.
A hit. Not a miss.
It was a Cassiopeia to a Polaris.

I want to be somebody like Ms. Vene Rallonza

(PHOTO COURTESY OF VINCE ESCARCHA)

This is Ms. Vene Rallonza, my POS 180.27 professor. And after a semester of politics in alternative spaces, I realized how much I'd want to be like her.

One year and 3 months ago, before I even met Maam Vene, I had a shaved head and it was a statement of my politics and my advocacy. Some people would constantly tell me that I remind them of a Political Science professor in the Ateneo. Being the POS major that I was, I knew that this certain Ms. Rallonza was never encountered by myself in any formal (or even informal) circumstance.

Then I took her Politics in the Margins class. A class that killed all the boredom that is politics. We saw how politics exist and even thrive in marginalized, unusual spaces and how, despite the marginalization of these alternative spaces, we saw as a class that politics can be very fun, exciting and well appreciated.

We had big time speakers for several Thursdays. We had Dr. Bong, Joey Ayala, Auraeus Solito, Jalton of Sugarfree and Dr. Contreras. My personal favorite was Mr. Joey Ayala because I got really starstrucked by his presence.

But what is most striking for me about Maam Vene and her class is her attitude towards her own politics. She is not scared to be unique and that trait is what I appreciate very much. Her attachment and sincere connection with Filipino roots and traditions as manifested by her inked body and her manner by which she shares this with her family make me look up to her even more.

Ang cool ng pamilya nila. HAHAHAHA :)) Kita naman sa picture na 'to. Naikuwento ni Maam Vene ang pagsali ng anak niya sa contest na 'to at sinabi niya sa amin na siya na ata ang pinaka-supportive na nanay na nandoon sa venue, given nga na ang mga contestants na lalaki ng mga nanay na naroon ay nagdamit at nagkilos babae. Sabi ko rin dati nung mas bata pa ako na gusto ko tatawagin akong "Nanay" ng mga anak ko. And nalaman ko nalang sa class ko na si Maam Vene ay "Nanay" kung tawagin ng mga anak niya. Tapos pupunta pa sila next week sa Kalinga Apayao para magpatattoo yung anak niyang nasa picture. Hangcoooooooool talaga at 'di ako ma-over.

-Kalbo
-Nanay ang tawag
-Maraming tattoo
-Theater actress
-Cool mom
-Artist
-Unique and really brave
-Educator
-Funny and loud
-Very supportive

Grabe, katakot pala na karamihan ng ugali ko/hilig ko/gusto ko in the future ay nagmamanifest sa isang being. Pwede pala yun. HAHAHAHA :))

Last night was an awesome night for me and my classmates in POS180.27 -- sa conclusion ng class namin through LUNAN: One Night Only, nakita kong nag-pay off talaga ang galing at passion ni Maam sa pagtuturo. SNAPS FOR HER :>

Idol talaga kita. :)

Scarlet Mill

12012010 - Happy Birthday To Us :D

(I've had) The Time of My Life

Boy: Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you

Girl: 'Cause I've had the time of my life
and I owe it all to you

Boy: I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me

Girl: We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy

Both: Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguise it secretly
So we take each other's hand
'Cause we seem to understand the urgency

Boy: just remember

Girl: You're the one thing

Boy: I can't get enough of

Girl: So I'll tell you something

Both:This could be love because

(CHORUS)
Both: I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
'Til I found the truth
And I owe it all to you

Girl: With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know

Boy: So we'll just let it go
Don't be afraid to lose control

Girl: Yes I know whats on your mind
When you say:
"Stay with me tonight."

Boy: Just remember
You're the one thing

Girl: I can't get enough of

Boy: So I'll tell you something

Both: This could be love because

(CHORUS)
Both: 'Cause I had the time of my life
No I've never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I found the truth
and I owe it all to you

*Instrumental*

Boy: Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before

(Girl: Never Felt this way)

Boy: Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you

Both: 'Cause I had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I've found the truth
and I owe it all to you

Both: "cause I've had the time of my life
No I've never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you

Stop Looking

I am your existential meaning.

:> :> :>

You're lucky to have her

You're lucky to have your bestfriend :)
She cares for you a lot..as evidenced by what she tried to tell me.

Cute.

Wala lang, just sharing.

And I thought It'd be fine

One line that struck me when I watched the film "Babe, I love you" was when the female lead said to the man he loved who after learning her deepest secrets turned so mad and felt so betrayed: "MAHALAGA PA BA YUN?" (Does it matter?)

What will you do if you learned something so controversial about the one you care about?
Will it still matter at the end?

If you learned it from other people just like what happened in the movie, will you be able to confront that very important person in your life and ask if the rumors are true?

Will it still matter even if what happened, happened in the past? Will it still hold water that you are the present to each other and maybe even the future.

It was Halloween last night but the revelation (or rumor) was spookier than the actual horror of a supernatural encounter. I guess even the question "Is it true" or the statement "I forgive you" which may or may not come after need not hold water especially if no fault was committed against anyone, just a mere secret of the past.. No more, no less.

Just a secret that was revealed in one way or the other.
No fault especially not against my person.
A thing of the past that wasn't shared. Or wasn't shared or talked about enough.

"I know it's crazy but its keeping me sane" (SCVP, 2010)

I'm paranoid and an overthinker.
But as the female lead asked in the movie, does it still matter?
If it was a big part of the past that the other tries to bury (it just so happens that somebody innocently digs it out), will you judge him or her.

I honestly thought I was open to these kinds of things. But not in my mind did I imagine that it will happen to me, whether or not the rumor is true.

Is it a curse that I am so open-minded? and as my friends would claim, I am *the* magnet. If so, what's happening here? Why is it happening now and I don't seem to be ready at all? Not healthy. Not at all.

I am ready to be honest and grow and be nurtured.
And I think what I need now is honesty. Bluntness.
I know it will hurt.. but,

Let's talk about it.

If I can be a significant other, I can be the best friend.




Trust me.