Let yourself be.

Dear blogspot or blogger or blog-whatever,

I really want to write on my journal, write a new song, play the guitar, as well as paint. My hands, heart, and head have all been itching to do those things as of recently. I have so many feelings lately and none of them I have processed. Time has been against me and when it isn't, I don't know what is. I have been feeling up and then down and up again. A lot of feelings. A lot of unprocessed feelings. I want to be busy and yet when I'm busy I don't want to anymore. My heart's as if being gripped so tight it will burst into so many pieces.

I have hurt someone so much recently and I know that I will continue to be un-free if I keep on protecting that someone. I know that the pain was really meant for both of us. It was meant to be happy but it was the experience of that pain that I hold on to the hope that I will eventually be at peace. I expected the pain and I want to welcome it but sometimes it haunts me and silently saws my being.

I don't understand myself anymore sometimes. I feel that I need to fast forward my life into maybe five years from now so I don't have to continue living as this immature person. I want to skip this time of my life but of course that would have major repercussions. There are major contrasts to my being. Sometimes I want to attribute it to being young or perhaps trying to be mature when I really didn't have to way back in high school. I chose responsibility and I chose to fight for my principles. Now looking back I don't regret them because my personality has been sharpened by my experiences as a young leader. But then again, the contrasts. I want to be sometimes young and sometimes my mature-r self won't allow it. I want to be free but it sometimes entails immaturity. I don't know. I am not sure.

All these aren't even making sense but I need to write this down. I am no longer sure. God never leaves me alone but physically sometimes I feel alone and I see that it may be nice to have someone who will be there and be present. But knowing myself, if I allow that to happen again, my independence and love for freedom will complain against restraint. I just hope that I can be strong despite being alone. I am not lonely, just in solitude maybe. Solitude is my surname--literally..in translation.

I just pray that I have done the right thing. That I chose because I was no longer happy. My happiness (as a youth) I think is really proportionate to the freedom that I am experiencing. I am not entirely sure but I guess so. Loving is so painful and even if I try to make Fr. Arrupe's mantra apply in my previous romantic engagement, I just couldn't. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be or to happen or to blossom. I want to be sure but everything is crazy right now.

How I wish my early twenties will be very significant and peaceful and that I will be happy despite being one. I pray that I appreciate the silence in table for two even when I'm alone. I pray that when love comes knocking again it'll be more than 3 years from now. And that I'll be able to bear all the emotions while I'm alone. I hope that I remain to not mind it all.

Let freedom be.
Let peace be.
Let happiness be.
Let love be.

Let me love myself right now. I know its selfish but maybe it's about time that I give myself and my being to myself and my being. Maybe it's the only way I can be happy again and be much at peace.

Lord it may be hard to do but I hope that I will be able to appreciate fighting for myself and for my own survival in all the aspects. Let me remain strong in the happiness and stronger in the sadder times. Let me appreciate what I have and what will be. I want to be strong-willed. I want to man up for myself. I want to not regret my choices. I want to just move on and be.